Last night, or rather this morning, I had an almost awesome dream. I was at a benefit concert of some sort in New York, and J.T (also known as Justin Timberlake) had just finished performing. I didn’t see the performance, but I knew that he was making his way out of the auditorium, because in dreams, you just have this secret knowledge of everything or nothing. So, I leave my seat, and see some of my friends, and since I totally know J.T, I’m all, “Hey, let’s go grab Justin so we can get a picture before he leaves.” So we head out to the lobby, and Justin greets me like an old friend (because we are in my subconscious, apparently) and I tell him “Let’s take a pic!” My friend, who is a photographer, positions us in typical picture form :side hug, turn this way, ok smile!: and I’m sure this will make the greatest instagram photo yet. I take the camera to make sure he got my good side, and there is no photo there. Ugh.
So, we take the picture again. And again. And there is still no picture on the camera. I tell Justin no worries, that I’ll catch him later (because I’m sure we were just gonna go kick it at some after party or something?), but I’m still bummed that I didn’t get the picture.
And then, “Sweetie, do you need 5 more minutes?” In comes Matt with my little chicken butt (aka Chi) in his arms. As Chi banged on his tambourine with his maracas (Do you KNOW what that FEELS and SOUNDS like?) I was definitely awake.
It’s been some hours since I’ve woken up, but that feeling of extreme frustration is like sticky molasses covering my thoughts. I can dilute it, but it’s still there. I have been feeling stuck for a while. Have you ever felt that way? Like you are trying so desperately to get somewhere, but you can’t move. You can’t even think of the next step that you’re supposed to take, so…you just stay.
When I first became a mom, I became so overwhelmed with loss. Even though I had this beautiful gift, there was so much loss to mourn. And I think that that mourning process is so necessary and beneficial. I mourned the loss of “me and you” with Matt . I mourned the loss of my freedom, my friendships (because they definitely change), and even my selfishness. It’s a wonderful feeling to not know how selfish you are. To just operate out of what is convenient, good, and best for you. And then, you have a child, and you are forced to sink or swim. If you swim, you leave traces of your selfishness behind with each lap. If you sink, it’s probably because your selfishness grabbed you by the ankle, and dragged your ass down.
But now, now that I’m sinking less and swimming more, I’m finding that I am overwhelmed by possibilities. I am in an incredible position right now. I have so many options available to me, and I seriously don’t know what to do with them. I never imagined that I would be a stay at home mom because I’d never imagined that I would have the option to choose. But I do, and there are now so many other things that I can choose: dance, taking writing courses, volunteering, exercising, vlogging, reading, researching, learning, going back to Grad School, o em gee, the possibilities are endless! And this sounds like such a bratty first world problem thing to be complaining about. And it really is. But, I wonder, how many seasons of my life did I let pass by without seeing and seeking out the possibilities that were available to me?
As cliche as it sounds, I don’t want to have any regrets at the end. I love that I’m able to devote myself to mothering, but it is equally good for my soul to excel in and put energy into my gifts, talents and interests outside of my family. So, I go to dance class 2-3 times per week. (I’d live at the dance studio if I could!). I write as often as I can (even when I’m not blogging). I recently began volunteering with an organization that I love, and I’m even beginning a new hobby (sneak peak coming soonish!)
What about you? Are you stuck in any part of your life? (I can’t be the only one!) Are there things that you need to eliminate to make room for new additions? Are you seeking out opportunities to nurture your gifts/talents? Whatever your case, I encourage you to carpe effing diem! Get involved in your community, serve others (which I believe is the way to get out of 98% of any emotional funk you will ever encounter throughout your life. 98%. It’s true.), get creative, just start something.
There is truly too much life to live. So take off the velcro suit and move, baby!!