I woke up at 5am this morning with a sickening feeling in my stomach. Pregnancy nausea is a different kind of beast. I propped myself up, leaning on my tower of pillows trying not to use Matt’s face as leverage. I’ve learned some techniques to keep the nausea at bay: closing my eyes and breathing deeply, shaking my head ‘no’ and whispering “not a-frikin-gain!”. While in the middle of my second deep breath, I realized that I was not going to make it to the bathroom, not with my painfully swollen feet still in the bed, my achy hips planted squarely under my HUGE, protruding belly. I pushed myself off of the bed, using Matt’s shoulder, and made it. To the bathroom floor. Ewww. It was nas-ty. If that wasn’t TMI, you should skip the next sentence or two. Because I have a 5 pound baby on my bladder, every heave pushed on my insides, making me cringe with disgust, and shame. Eck.
Matt woke up to what must have been the most horrid of sounds, panicked, asking if I was ok. He sprinted over to the bathroom, where I demanded he stay out. I was so embarrassed. I took the towels in the bathroom and cleaned as quickly and efficiently as I could and started a load of laundry. As I made my way upstairs to take a shower in the un-stinked bathroom, Matt came downstairs looking like a young Mr. Clean. Yellow rubber gloves, Lysol disinfectant spray, Fabuloso, and bleach in hand. If I weren’t so nauseous, soiled, and embarrassed, I would have hugged him. The fact that my husband knows that I’d rather disinfect every part of that bathroom before I actually took care of my physical self shows just how much he understands and tolerates my mild OCD.
After I took a shower, he had a cup of hot tea waiting for me, just the way my grammy makes it; black tea with a sprinkle of milk, and a touch and a half of sugar. We sat in silence for a while on the couch. He was tired, I was tired, and we were soon joined by our tired puppy.
There have been many moments in the past couple of months where I have been overwhelmed by gratefulness for my husband. He is a good man. I have had to depend on him a lot more than I ever thought I would. I know that might sound crazy, but, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, relying on others is not my strong suit. Matt has taken a lot of responsibility during this pregnancy. He has taken on more financial responsibilities to support our growing family, working 50+hours/week to provide for us. He has taken on my share of the housework at times, even adhering to my strange specificity of cleaning. He has taken on girlfriend like duties; listening to me talk about my hair, makeup,etc., watching crazy tv with me, and I’m even getting my nails done, a la Matt this week.
It has been very difficult being pregnant in a new place. I’ve felt more alone than I have in my entire life. Matt and I have been so blessed to have the prayers and help of our families, but :in whiny voice: they’re so far away! Not yet having a church home has really been difficult for us. Last night, I had a breakdown with Matt as I finally uncovered one of my deepest fears about being a new mom.
I’m afraid of not being able to take care of myself well, so that I can take care of my little guy and my marriage. I’m afraid of the effects of not having any community in my life. I went to a baby shower yesterday and as I walked back to my apartment, I was reminded of all of the things that I will have to do in addition to taking care of a new baby: cooking for myself and Matt, cleaning, walking Pickles, doing the laundry, going grocery shopping, doctors appointments, etc., not to mention taking care of myself! How will I relax and what will I do to relax?
Lord knows I almost sat down and cried right on the dog poop stained sidewalk. How will I manage it all? How will Matt and I make it? I know that we will, I know that the Lord will provide, but it is so difficult having that assurance when we have felt so alone during this time.
Whatever happens, it’s been nice to have my best friend by my side. If y’all didn’t know, I’m a pretty accomplished rapper. In honor of my wonderful hubby, here is the most rapped song in our home
*If any of you mamas have any suggestions in terms of preparing for the little one to come, please share. I plan on using the next couple of weeks to create some freezer meals to make life easier. Please share recipes, tips, time management, etc.